


Scully Can't Sleep

by TheProdigalSapphist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Episode: s11e10 My Struggle IV, Pregnant Dana Scully, William | Jackson van de Kamp is Fox Mulder's Child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22868800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheProdigalSapphist/pseuds/TheProdigalSapphist
Summary: Scully tries to come to terms with the loss of William whilst a new life grows inside of her.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	Scully Can't Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> This follows on in the aftermath of My Struggle IV.
> 
> Mulder and Scully are living together in the Unremarkable House. They both believe William is dead and they're both coming to terms with this loss.
> 
> I do think William is their son, but this fic goes some way to explain why Scully said he wasn't.

Scully can't sleep. 

She lies there, in the dark, staring at the ceiling. To her left is Mulder. Even in sleep he curls around her protectively; this man who has killed for her in the past and would most certainly kill for her again. His breathing is deep and rhythmic against her shoulder, and calming in its cadence. It scares her slightly how much she loves him. Her partner, her friend, her lover, her baby's father. 

His hand rests gently on her abdomen. 

It's too early for them to be excited, Mulder knows this. So they don't talk about it.  
The baby -  
They can't. 

To call the cells dividing inside of her a miracle seems to diminish what William is. Was. Another miracle child for a barren woman? No, that doesn't happen twice. They'd both had this unspoken idea that maybe, one day, they'd be united and finally have a chance to be a family. One day, the hole in their lives would be filled by their son - the ultimate symbol of their partnership. But instead he became another alien for then to chase across the country. 

There is almost no room in Scully's head to come to terms with her loss. The child she grew inside of her is dead. How could they be happy about this baby when they had failed to protect William? When their idealised future was now, again, stolen from them?

Calling him an experiment was supposed to protect them from that pain. Her son isn't dead because she never had a son - she was just an incubator. So why does it still hurt so much? She grieves for William like any mother would, biological connection or not. But now she also has to live with the guilt of erasing Mulder as his father. 

It's not that she doesn't want this child growing inside of her - Scully aches to be a mother - but she's too scared to acknowledge what's happening. The fear constantly bubbles away in the background of her daily life, fighting the temptation to get too attached. 

She wants to be excited, yearns to give Mulder back the chance to be a father, but the rational side of her is screaming to brace herself; brace herself to lose another child, brace herself for some complication caused by her age or alien DNA. 

It's why she hasn't had a doctor confirm her pregnancy yet. She almost doesn't want a record of it in case it doesn't last. Instead, she stays cocooned in the house with Mulder trying to reconcile the loss of William and grieve for a future that could never be. She can't lose anyone else. Why have her chances at motherhood been surrounded by such loss?

She looks down at his hand on her belly. 

This is the first time Mulder has touched her there since the night at the dock. She's caught him watching her - trying to spot the evidence of the life growing inside - but he always looks away when she catches him. Their desperate carefree fucking in a motel room weeks ago has evolved into slow, careful love making. Now Mulder approaches her body warily, the way he had when they were still learning each other's bodies.

Tonight he had touched, kissed, praised her body. Everywhere except her middle. He won't touch her there and he doesn't talk about it - he waits patiently for Scully. He's always waited for Scully. But sleeping Mulder seems to think differently. Sleeping Mulder wants to touch her tiny, barely-there bump and experience everything he missed out on last time. Sleeping Mulder is ready to be a father. Sleeping Mulder is breaking her heart.

When Mulder went for a run this morning she stood naked in front of the mirror in their room and just looked at herself. Against the odds, she feels this life growing stronger within her. 

Her body certainly knows the truth. She's nauseous, she can't sleep and she is overwhelmed by how vulnerable she feels whenever she's away from her partner. Harder than ever, she desperately clings to him and the safety he provides.

It's getting harder and harder to pretend this isn't happening though, especially as the fainting spells are back. This time her Mulder is there to catch her. He's honed his talent for spotting when she's going to go and he's there before she hits the floor, stroking her hair and kissing her awake. She feels so loved, so protected.

And she has never felt so guilty. 

She is carrying his child but refuses to acknowledge that it even exists. 

What is she doing???

No, she can't let him be excluded again. She can't do this to the man she loves.

She places her hand on top of Mulder's on her abdomen, and notices him stir. They've both been on such high alert recently that it barely takes anything to wake either of them up. Mulder frowns and opens his eyes, spotting where his hand is and instantly trying to move it away. 

Scully halts his movements. 

"It's fine Mulder."

His eyes search hers, questioning. 

She kicks off the sheets and places his hand on her bare abdomen, pulling her night shirt out of the way. 

"Really."

He breaks eye contact and allows himself to look, sitting up on one elbow. She can see how relieved he is to finally be granted permission to explicitly look. It's small but, as an expert in all things Scully, he can see there's definitely a difference in her body. Her curves seem softer, her breasts slightly fuller. He moves his hand slowly - relearning his territory, inspecting the new curves and shapes. Scully stretches and relaxes under his touch - she didn't realise how much she needed this.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine. Tired. Nauseous. Dizzy."

"Hmmmm. I noticed that."

Scully brushes her hand through Mulder's hair, watching him map her body with such gentleness.

"We should go to the doctor, Mulder."

His hand freezes. 

"Is...something wrong?"

"I don't think so. It feels different but that could be my age. But after my difficult pregnancy with…"

She can't finish that sentence. 

"They'll need to monitor me."

Mulder sighs, laying back down next to Scully and pushing himself towards her. He instinctively curls himself around her again, resting his head in the crook of her neck and his hand back on her abdomen. She goes back to staring at the ceiling.

"I'm struggling to believe this is actually happening Mulder."

"I know, me too." He kisses her cheek, her jaw, her shoulder. "But it doesn't mean I want it any less."

Scully smiles, lacing her hand with Mulder's. They lay in silence for a few moments until Scully closes her eyes and takes a big breath. 

"But, what if it's…"

"But what if it's not, Scully?" Mulder interrupts, predicting what she's been worrying about. It's exactly the same thing he's been worrying about too. 

"What if it's not like William? What if somehow, miraculously, we just made a baby? A normal, healthy average baby."

"I don't want our baby to be an X-File Mulder."

Mulder sits up so he can make eye contact with Scully.

"Neither do I. But…" he sighs "we won't know if this child is a result of your implant or whether it has any powers until it's born."

"If."

"When, Scully. We made one miracle, why not two?"

"William wasn't our miracle."

"He was. I don't care if he was genetically ours or not, but he was ours. And I refuse to believe all you did was carry him. William, Jackson, whatever, was created by us - our work, our partnership, our miracle. And this will be ours too." 

He lays his hand on her stomach again.

"She will have your eyes and maybe my hair. Your freckles, my sporting abilities, your laugh. Hopefully my height."

Scully raises an eyebrow. 

"She?"

Mulder smiles.

"Believe Scully. All we need is you and me. And for us both to believe in her."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing MSR so I hope I got them right. I just adore how this fandom has filled in the gaps and kept the lives of Mulder and Scully going after the revival.
> 
> I still can't believe CC thought that was a good way to end The X-Files 😑


End file.
